Thursday, September 13, 2012

what's been on my mind...

i never intended this to be an infertility blog..
but this is my life..
and this is what i'm dealing with..
so if you wanna skip this post it's ok, i won't be mad, just know that in life unexpected things happen and you don't always understand why.
infertility is one of those things.
i want to share my experience so that if you are going through this or something similar you won't feel so alone.

first, a little insight on my last month and a half..
i've heard everything.
acupuncture helps blood flow to the uterine arteries, it's helped ivf patients reach success. it's not scary, it's actually really relaxing and therapeutic if you have an amazing skilled acupuncturist. mine is a amazing her name is bea hammond from harmony acupuncture in sugar house, ut. 
this is how i feel when i start ivf treatments. i always think big, positive and with my sassy pants on! that way i know i can take on the world!
some of my meds. this pile and plus a couple more, worth over 2g's
ivf is not cheap, we researched the sh*t out of everything before considering this was our only option.
ivf = shots. a lot of f#cking shots! put your tough girl pants on cause some of them burn like a b*tch.
true story. i am living proof. sadly it can take a couple times.
my sexy man nurse :) always putting on his concentration face to make sure he is as swift and gentle as can be. i thank and curse him every time he jabs me.
what happened to my latin stereotype cast?!! or maybe if i was 15 again.. then just maybe it would happen the "normal" way.

during a fresh ivf cycle you inject yourself with a bunch of hormones that make your ovaries go into hyper drive. instead of producing 1-3 eggs like a normal ovulation cycle you produce a crap load more. in my case 37eggs! hens aint got 'ish on me(:! 

really. i will slap you. this is not the time to "one up" or try to make us feel bad for you.. unless you're going through ivf you have no idea how "hard" it is. just hug us and give us love and positive vibes, it's not about you this time.
they put you completely "out" for the egg retrieval surgery and when you wake up it feels like someone kicked and footed you in the vageener. no funno, i felt horrible and stella knew it.
true fact.
how do they know?! how does she know her mommy's in pain?! dog's are incredible. look at her, she's totally hugging me and saying "it's ok mommy, i'm here for you" melt's my heart.

to think my dr.'s were wrong all along! 
2 days post egg retrieval i noticed my belly starting to swell. i understand that some of you maybe rolling your eyes at me, but it kept swelling and became very tender.
speaks for itself.
see!!! my poor belly swelled up so big i looked 5mo preggo! this is me sucking in, the only comfortable bottoms to wear were my husband's jordan shorts. it was also hard to breathe and eat. i went in for my embryo transfer and instead of going home with 2 little embryos i went home with 2 gatorade bottles. in rare cases the body overreacts to the hormones and you end up with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. when that happens most dr.'s prefer to freeze the embryos and wait about a month or more to let the ovaries heal and then do the transfer. otherwise if i were to get preggo my hormone level would keep increasing and then they would have to put me and the baby at risk for fluid removal surgery.  this was the smartest option to hubby and i.
ivf is a roller coaster of emotions. be prepared to be kicked when you're down. 
what helps pick me back up? my ever loving, ever supportive husband and my family and friends. they help heal my broken heart and restore my smile. 

at this point i feel like i've tried everything..
roses, a symbol of love, from my sister natalie.
you cannot live without love. love is the fuel that propels you. 

sometimes all you can do is cry. that's ok, you are real, you are organic, you are human. you can't laugh and joke all the time, it's ok. you are still beautiful, just remember to breathe deep and remember that some things are uncontrollable.
it will all work out how it's meant to.
just believe.

all i have left is faith. trust in it.

 i'm very open about my life.
 my mom used to tell me that i shouldn't tell people my personal stuff out of fear i would receive bad juju from others. well maybe that's true, but i can only have faith that people aren't so cruel and believe in my light enough to know that it will banish any negativity sent to me from others.  i tell people what's going on because i am not ashamed, this is me, this is what is happening, this is what i'm thinking. and maybe someone out there is like me and wants someone to relate to. everyone wants someone to relate to, it makes us feel like we are not alone.
ivf and infertility are still subjects most people don't like to discuss and own up to. i don't blame them, who want's to announce to the world that you're infertile or by-golly "imperfect"? who would want to own up to being imperfect and having people think you are "broken" and look at you weird because they don't understand how you can't get pregnant and they have 4 kids.
that's the problem, they don't understand because we don't talk about it.
infertility is not something to be ashamed of. it needs a voice so that we don't have to feel ashamed, scared or alone. it needs a voice because it's a tough battle and we need to stick together to help motivate and push each other.
i was scared what people would think, but i also thought about all the other girls out there going through my similar struggle. so i started talking about it, i became very open when people asked me why i haven't had any kids or when we were going to start having kids.  here in utah, the land of young parents who have an abundance of babies, it's a daily question.
but then i started to meet others who were also in my boat. girls who were also going through ivf or had gone through ivf and it was nice to be able to relate to each other and have that feeling of relief  engulfing us in each others struggles.
we were not alone anymore.
it's funny how you spend most of your life avoiding to get preggo only to find out that you could've made bank being a porn star. i could've totally whored myself out and gave jenna jameson a run for her money!! i kid, i kid. it's just crazy cause you never think that one day sex is not going to be the way that you conceive your children.
morgan and i started trying about 2 and a half years ago, we have been married 6 years and together 9years. we tried a couple months on our own with no luck and so i talked to my ob about other options to help us. he recommend clomid, so we tried that on and off for about a year. i then became frustrated and changed obs cause i thought he was a dumba$$. always go with your gut if you feel you are not getting the care you deserve change obs! i'm glad i did because the first thing my new ob did was run a bunch of tests, he monitored me for a cycle concluding that i had symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos). when that happens you don't ovulate, meaning your egg that is supposed to be released for fertilization each month doesn't come out of it's follicles. i still have a regular periods, just no egg release. the only way to get my eggs fertilized is in vitro fertilization.
so contrary to the old folks, a good old enema won't fix my problem nor will having sex on a full moon drinking carrot juice listening to enya. it's funny the things my grandparents tell me, they are cute.
when my dr told us about in vitro i was confused, i'd never heard about ivf i only knew that's how jon and kate's plus 8 happened and how octomom became famous. i was excited cause maybe i could get my own reality show! see that's the optimistic crazy mary thinking, you had 8 babies octomom, well i'm gonna have 9!! but not really. we went home and researched ivf and i sh*t my pants, i didn't know anyone my age who was going through what i was going through. i thought holy moly.. f-me!! i'm not gonna lie, i cried. i sobbed. hard. but then i realized, crying is not going to solve my problem. i said "mary stop being a baby!! you are tougher than this, you can do this, you will have babies!! you are strong like bull!!" and after that little pep talk i had with myself (cause who doesn't give themselves pep talks?) i put on my sassy tough girl pants and dove in. since that day i have dove in completely. this is what i am dealing with and i will tackle it, i am stubborn and will not quit till i reach my goal. luckily i am blessed with a supportive, patient husband who truly cares about my feelings and who loves me for me "broken" and all with all his heart. a husband who wants a baby as much as i do and even more. i wasn't only doing this for me but for us and with out him i couldn't have made it this far.
fast forward to today..
i have gone through two fresh cycles of ivf and two frozen embryo transfers. if you are not familiar with ivf i urge you to google it and read about it. then you will have a better idea of what it entails. ivf is a lot of shots, hormones(that bring out monster mary) and more shots!! so many f#cking shots. if you are scared of needles you will have to get over that fear quickly because between the blood draws, shots and acupuncture you see a whole bunch of needles. it's a mental game, you just have to get over it!
this last fresh cycle my drs approached it differently and put me on different mediations. they ran more tests and found out on top of pcos i also have a hyper active immune system that produces an anti-body that attacks foreign cells. well that's not good because embryos are foreign cells, meaning each time they did a transfer the embryos tried to implant into my womb and my body would kill it off. so they never had a chance. they put me on prednisone to help lower my immune system, prednisone makes you feel like you have the coffee jitters behind your eyeballs, it just makes you feel weird. i also found out i have a blood clotting issue (yeay one more thing wrong!!) and for that they put me on a blood thinner called lovenox. lovenox is a daily injection, it burns and after a couple days it turns to a big bruise around the injection site, leaving me looking like a battered wife. i could have looked at all this and said "poor me, why me?? more things wrong with me..wahh wahh wahh!" but i didn't, what for?!! what good is feeling sorry for yourself gonna do?! nothing gets accomplished by feeling sorry for yourself, you have to realize that no one is going to do it for you and that you are the one who can make a change for yourself. being negative will never get you anywhere in life. i looked at those two issues and was grateful instead of mad, because those things can be treated and now we are that much closer to getting a baby by treating them. period. more shots may hurt a whole butt load, and give me a lumpy bruised tummy, but in the end it will be worth it.
everything this cycle was going to plan, i stimmed perfectly and produced 37 eggs!! that's a lot! some people i know only had 5 or 9. for the egg retrieval surgery they put you under cold, which thank goodness because even though i'm a freak i don't wanna be awake watching 3 male doctors and 3 nurses looking at my vageener and doing what they do. before they knocked me out for surgery i was laying on the operating table a told my drs and room full of nurses "let's do this i'm ready for a good plucking!!" lol, get it"plucking" as in my eggs?!! haha the whole room was laughing and when i woke up from the retrieval i asked if my boobs looked bigger? and they asked me "why?" and i said "didn't i get a boob job?!" lol... i still think i'm funny even just after surgery:) i then went home to re-coop and sleep. it is a painful surgery once the meds wear off, like someone kicked you in the vageen and footed you! or what i assume footing would feel like.
a couple days after the surgery my stomach started to swell, i looked past it thinking it was normal and was because i had so many eggs. the day of embryo transfer (5days later) my stomach was so swollen i looked like i was 5mo preggo. well turns out i had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. my body was still reacting to the hormones and my ovaries were still growing thinking they had eggs in them. they were the size of baseballs instead of the size of an almond. when that happens you have to hold off on the transfer and let your ovaries mellow out on their own. in some cases drs still transfer the embryos but if you get preggo you put yourself and the baby(ies) at risk. my hubby and i decided to hold off and let my body heal. i was so devastated because i had built myself up (for the fourth time) thinking that i was finally going to get pregnant and it was finally going to work. but instead of going home with two perfect little embryos i was sent home with two stupid bottles of gatorade to help flush my system. the swelling is suppose to go down in time:( i am still swollen now, but instead of looking preggo it looks like a beer belly. i will just have to let me body heal and wait for my dr. who is based in santa monica to come back to the utah clinic for his next cycle. which is the beginning of november. my little embryos, all 9 of them, were going to have sleep for a little bit. hopefully they are dreaming of me because i am always dreaming of them.
for two days i cried. i needed too. i needed to release my sadness.. i am human.
when something so heartbreaking happens you have to remember and remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. there is a reason behind everything, although i was mad and sad i knew deep down that there was no way that an embryo could survive the trauma my body had been through. i am not physically strong enough yet.
what heals a broken heart?
my friends and family. you have all been so sweet and supportive, thank you to everyone for your love and positive vibes. please know that you are the reason i am able to pick myself up from being knocked down and kicked while down. you are all amazing and again i am blessed.
this is why being happy and sending out positive energy into the world is so important, i truly feel that you get back what you put out.
for us this is just another speed bump, we will power through it!! i might lose my tailpipe if the bumps get any bigger but i have faith that we will cross the finish line.
and when we do we will have our beautiful little baby waiting for us.
till then sweet dreams to my perfect little embryos, dream big because you have a mommy and daddy who are going to love and support you through all your upcoming life adventures. we love you already.


  1. this is so beautiful mary! i've been thinking so much about you. i'm praying for you and just know that you have babies coming your way. you're amazing in so many ways!

    1. thank you my beautiful friend. that means the world to me :)
      i have a good feeling in my heart for next time!!
      thanks for your kind works, it brightened up my day!
      love to you sweet girl<3

  2. You are amazing Mary. I don't know what I would do without your support, pep talks, love, and constant positive perspective on life. You are such an inspiration. Its going to happen because you are a good person, and good things happen to good people. We will both have little peanuts running around together in no time! I love the shit out of you!!!XOXO

    1. ofcoursey course love:)
      i'm your p.i.c through this roller coaster of "fun"!!
      we should totally start a gang!!
      i mean who doesn't wanna kick some ivf a$$, i'd shoot the mo-fo if i could ;p lol!
      i love you maggarella!! thanks for being so dang amazing, we got this- it know it!!!
      pretty soon little m's will take ovahh the world!!

  3. Wow, you are so incredibly strong and amazingly positive. Thank you for being so open and honest, I feel your pain through your words and it makes my heart hurt for you! But your optimistic, funny personality keeps me from being sad for too long! You are a fighter and I can't wait to see your story unfold. Sending positive vibes your way...

    1. and thank you for your sweet words!!
      they encourage me to continue to be open, i appreciate your comment very much:)
      i can feel your positive vibes and in return i am sending you air hugs and kisses!!
      thank you with all my heart!!xoxoxo

  4. Oh Mary, I adore you and you are going to be one freaking fantastic mommy. You are an inspiration my dear. Thank you for helping me through today. I need your inspiring words even if our trails are different. I will be praying for those sleeping little bugs.