Thursday, November 15, 2012

post 48hrs..

sometimes pictures describe emotions better than words......

it is with a heavy heart and tear stained cheeks, that i tell you my beta came in yesterday at a 19.
it did not double as hoped for.
they are saying it was a biochemical pregnancy.
technically the embryo did implant and i was pregnant for a short amount of time.
then the embryo decided it wasn't his time and did not continue on with his journey.
his journey into my arms.
my heart is no more.
it has been replaced with the emptiness of an abandoned house.
i catch myself staring into nothing, stunned, hollow and blinded by the tears i don't realize have formed.. over and over.
once again i must pick my broken heart's pieces up off the floor.
i must trudge on through the lonely thick haze.
somehow i must realize the purpose of this all.
i must not let it discourage me.

i could easily burry my sadness in self destruction, I could pick up a bottle and chug my feelings away.
i have been sober for 2 and a half years and this tests every ounce of my resistance.
but i will not.
i will not succumb and i will definitely not give in.
i will keep trying and praying because there is nothing more i want than to hold my baby.
nothing will stop me, not even the defeat of a forth's time.

i must think of the positive, not the negative.
i have 7 little guys sleeping on ice right now(frozen embryos).
i have a couple more tries if they thaw out correctly.
if out of those 7 embryos left not one attaches we will review further options.
but as of right now we will try again at the beginning of february when my dr. comes back into town from his l.a. clinic.

for now i am left with a bruised stomach and an even more bruised heart.

to my family, friends, virtual friends/visitors:
thank you for all of your support.
thank you for checking in on me to see how i am doing.
thank you for being here for me through this difficult time and for all your consoling.
thank you for your positive loving vibes.
i feel them, they refuel my heart.
i'm so thankful for you.
i'm so appreciative of you.
even though crappy things happen, you can always over come them.
your mind is your most powerful tool, use it.
be strong, be loving and be positive towards each other.
you never know who's going through their own battle.

one love.


  1. My Heartbreaks for you sister!! I am blown away everyday by your strentgh you are the most loving and most thoughtful person I know and i strive to be half the amazing women you are! I love you more than life itself. I am proud of you and i know that when the time comes you will be the most amazing mother on this planet!!!!

    xo nat

  2. Your strength is an inspiration to many Mary!! Sending you my love and my positive vibes still, it can only help to stay positive!! If there is anything I can do, let me know!!

    Danielle xx

  3. Mary I love you so much and am sorry you're having such a hard time! But I'm so proud of you on how positive you are being with everything. I'd lie if I said I wasn't sitting here bawling my eyes out right now after reading your post. My heart aches for you, but my prayers and energy are all on your side! You are seriously such an amazing person and you deserve the world! Lots of love lady! xoxo

  4. I'm sorry Mary... but as you said, after the tears flow you then pick up the pieces and keep trying and working toward your goal. I'm happy to hear you have 7 more embryos to try, and are also open to other options. There are so many babies being brought into this world that need a loving home, and where ever your baby is he/she will come to your home when the time is right.

    Love to you guys,
    Candice and Ari

  5. So Sorry Mary.. This freakin sucks and I am so sorry things didn't go as you hoped they would. Thinking of you lots and sending lots of love your way.. Hand in there! If you ever need anything, I am literally right down the road. xoxo