Saturday, June 1, 2013

inner light, outer glow

photo creds: ali kunz
on mahh bodyy:
creative production: me
cream white lace dress: free people here, bag: alexander wang diego bucket bag,  tribal arm cuffs: ebay,
rings: various, booties: alexander wang "makenzie" here

sorry for my absence my friends.
i have been going through another round of ivf.
a round that was the hardest one i have ever experienced.
this round was suppose to be easy, we were on track for a low dose stimulation. meaning that i am on medication to stimulate the best follicles possible to make the best eggs possible, the aim was to produce quality eggs versus quantity of eggs. which with my last fresh cycle back in september 2012 you may recall i hyper-stimulated from producing so many eggs, thus resulting in a swollen belly that resembled a 6mo pregnant woman.
that was very painful, i had to freeze my embryos and later transfer in november.
this time the low dose stimulation route worked as expected, they were able to retrieve 7 eggs (all while under anesthesia) 5 of which fertilized. post surgery i ended up with a large hematoma bleeding into my right ovary. this was extremely painful, i could barely walk or use the restroom with out almost passing out. i felt like i was dying.. the pain was so strong, even with pain pills. of course like ovarian hyper-stimulation it is very rare, it has only happened 2 other times to my dr.'s patients.
and of course it happens to me.
originally we had planned to do a day 3 embryo transfer which got pushed to a day 5 embryo transfer, due to my condition. i was monitored daily by intrauterine ultrasound to check the status of the hematoma and the condition of my uterus. i started to feel better (not super amazing, let me tell you) around day 4 post egg retrieval.
my dr. decided to transfer on day 5, saying that my uterus looked great and was not disturbed and that the hematoma was reducing in size.
we agreed.
on day 5 we only had 2 embryos make it to blastocysts (the cell stage were they need to be growing) so we had none to freeze:(
we transfered the two perfect embryos.
the next couple days i was on bed rest, too weak to do anything anyways.
i let the time slowly tick on by, and finally 10 days later, this last thursday may 30, i went in for my beta, the blood test that determines if you are preggo.
i got a call back saying that i was not.
this news was devastating to both my husband and myself.
i had just been dragged through the mud, been through hell and now they were telling me that i wasn't pregnant.
after all i had just been through? after all the times trying?
this is probably the time when most people in our position start blaming god and start pointing the finger.
me, i just went numb and cried.
what can you do?
there is no finger pointing, there is no hate.
the only thing i can do, that we can do, is have faith and believe that this is part of our plan.
the grand universal plan for us.
even as f'd up as it may seem right now i know deep in my heart that we will be parents.
times like these, when you feel you are at your lowest, is not when you should start cussing out the lord or others, it is when you pray. when you give thanks that you are still alive, still breathing and still healthy.
this was our 6th attempt at getting pregnant through in vitro, it is not easy it is not cheap.
it has been a long 3 and a half yrs.
but i am grateful.
i am grateful for the opportunity, i am grateful for the person it has molded me into.
ivf can break you down if you let it and it is very easy for that to happen, but it can also make you stronger. and that is what i have allowed it to do for me, i have become a stronger version of myself.
mentally and physically for pain.
our plan for now is to let my body heal and to regroup.
the good news is we have 3 frozen embryos from the last fresh cycle, we will determine what we want to do with them.
i hope all of you mom's reading this realize how blessed you are and what a miracle it is to be able to conceive. hold your babies tight for me and never take them for granted.

today was my first day of really getting ready in a while and guess where i was headed to?
a babyshower.
two days ago i learned that i was not pregnant and now i was on my way to a baby shower.
was it hard? yes. did i want to cry? yes.
but, looking at my beautiful pregnant friend who is currently carrying twins fuels me, because she conceived those babies via ivf.
i look at her and she gives me inspiration.
those babies give me hope.

life is funny and doesn't always go your way. but one thing that you can control is your attitude.

take from my experience and try to carry a lighter and more loving heart and a positive mindset, with it you can overcome anything.
i don't take any kind of meds to dull my feelings, i don't drink anything to numb my pain.
i feel it, i live it and breath it.
this is life and i am living it.

"if you are looking for direction and strength, look towards your inner light and he will lead you. always believe" -mary ann horne



  1. You are a pretty amazing woman my friend! I love you!!!

  2. Girly, your strength is amazing. Though Terr and I have put babies on hold, your story and struggle is inspiring. We are cheering for you!