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Friday, June 13, 2014

four years






pic credz: my sister, natalie
on mahh bodayy:
white embroidered tunic: h&m old similar here, cut off velvet shorts: thrifted diy, 
leopard print booties: asos old similar here, indian print cross body: old similar here
leopard face black and gold watch: michele similar here, bracelets: alex and ani here

 *personal post*

6.12.10-6.12.14
marks four years of sobriety for me.

if you would have told me five years ago that today i would not be the same party girl, the same shot pourer, the same beer shot gunner, the same crazy drunk girl that thought she could out drink any boy in the bar.. 

i would have laughed at you.

 i would have thought that you were out of your damn mind, to relax and have a shot of jack.

you see for me, i wasn't the typical alcoholic, i was the let's go to lunch with my friends and have a drink type, that would take it throughout the day and into the night type of drinker.

sure, drinking in moderation is fine and i am all for that, 
but for someone like me and the mental state that i was in, i could not do moderation. 

with me it's all or nothing.

to this day, it's still all or nothing but in a productive way.

i was more an alcohol abuser who thought drinking and blacking out was normal.
i was young, i was carefree, i was living my life and i was drinking with my friends.

who i wasn't drinking with (most often) was my husband.

it started to eat at our relationship and we would fight like no other.
ultimately i was given' the ultimatum of "keep drinking or be married".
it wasn't until that day that i realized that i had a problem.
that i had been hurting the one person who loved me the most.

my husband.

i quit that day, cold turkey.

was it easy? 
no.
was i angry at him?
hell, yes.

am i happy with my decision?
not at first or the first 3 months.
today, with all my heart and soul.

i was very scared i would lose myself.
i only knew myself as the crazy "let's drink" and have a good time "mary"
i didn't know who i really was.
every function or girl's night i would go to, i would pre-drink and take a to-go cup.
that was my liquid courage.
i didn't know how it face a crowd with out alcohol.
it was my facade.

in the last four years i have got'n to know the real me, i have been able to test my limits, my body and my mind.

with out alcohol i have been able to accomplish things i never thought possible.

i have made a name for myself in my career, i have been able to give back to charity, i have been able to be there for people who where there for me, i have been able to be myself and be comfortable in my own skin, i have been able to smash my goals.
 and most importantly i am a loving wife to my amazing husband.

nothing in life is easy, that is rewarding.

i have had many challenges and road bumps over the last four years, that could have easily led me back to drinking and back to numbing my emotions with some vodka.

but instead of turning to the bottle i decided to feel.

i decided to feel the good and the bad.

to me that is living and how life was intended.

feel it.
feel your emotions and don't be afraid of them. 
you can turn your negative thoughts into positive ones, just have confidence. 
find it in you, like i found it in myself.

today, i am muchacha, i am mary, i am mary ann horne.

i am crazy, i am wild, i am strong, i am fun, and i care.

i care about all of you who are struggling to find the real "you".

know that i believe in you, know that i am rooting for you.

you will not lose who you are. 

you will remain yourself but the best version of yourself.

i have found myself, like i said i am still crazy but i have grown tremendously from this experience.
i am beyond grateful to my husband, my family and all my friends who have  supported me. 
one day i maybe able to drink "like a lady"..
but for today, i will take another 24.

xM




2 comments:

  1. Girl. You are such an inspiration to look up to. Thank you for being the woman you are. I hope you know that you TRULY inspire those around you.

    -Kori

    ReplyDelete
  2. Way to be Mary! Always inspiring!

    ReplyDelete